i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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