i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
