Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
