seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
