I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
