so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
