Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
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