I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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