I want to walk on stilts...naked
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize