just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Randomize
