Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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