I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
