my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
