we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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