Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
