We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
