the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Randomize
