and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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