I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
