I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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