i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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