The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
