winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Randomize
