'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
