It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
