I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
