I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
