At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
