I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
