I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
