$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
