he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
