How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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