It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
