I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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