But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
