If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
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