I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
