thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
