my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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