remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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