is your mom at the bar?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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