I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
