i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
