Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
