You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
