he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
