my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
