I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
