We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
is this the sara with the beer cane?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
