Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
