it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
