So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Well I just put wine in my tea
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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