listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
