i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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