Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
