i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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