I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
