Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize