i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
