Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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