so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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