I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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